So, I’ve been in this distractingly submissive mood all day and I can’t for the life of me figure out where it’s coming from. Being the only child that I am, my overactive imagination has not been helping in this process. Doing my readings for school have been somewhat difficult as a result.
Instead of battling all of the FEELS inside my head, I figured it might be a good idea just to write them down.
I had a really awesome conversation with one of my friends on Friday about growth in cycles. She asked me where I was in terms of my growth cycle, considering that I have been topping a lot more recently. I gave her a pretty concise answer, but I feel the need to expand upon it.
When I first starting dabbling with playing in kink it was with my very first boyfriend ever. I was 15, he was 16 and we were so in love (as you often are at that age). I don’t remember exactly what the tipping point in our relationship was, but I do distinctly remember us having a conversation about pinching. He hated pinching and pretty much told me that bad things would happen if I pinched him. So naturally, my cat brain went, “Oh, really?”.
The conversation went something like this:
1 pinch – He would tell me to knock it off
2 pinches – He would pinch me back
3 pinches – He might push me
7 pinches gets me slammed up against the wall.
The pinching never happened but I distinctly remember getting excited by the notion of being slammed against the wall. At this point in my life I had already looked into kink a little bit (thank you Lifetime for that movie on sexaholics that introduced this world to me).
Apparently my boyfriend must have also gotten excited by the notion of slamming me against the wall because after that things began to change. He was a little more assertive. We fooled around with rope and him tying me up, I got spanked, forced orgasms, and games like “hide the [insert random object here].” In fact, the night I lost my virginity I lost it in not 1, not 2, but all 3 holes (little whore that I am).
By the time I was 16 I had a CollarMe profile (I know! Bad Tiffy, but I had to look around). So I picked up things here and there. We broke up shortly after my 16th birthday and kink got put on a shelf until I was 18.
At that point all of my play partners were much older (we’re talking at least 40 minimum), so I was used to being the cute virginal submissive flower of innocence. I was careful, had a safe call anytime I went to play, even checked out the RL scene a bit before getting too nervous about being in public. (Not that there was much in Orange at that time, anyway…)
The overarching theme of those years, though, was that I was a submissive through and through. Topping? “You want me to Top? Haha, you’ve got the wrong one, pal. I’m a submissive, s-u-b-m-i-s-s-i-v-e.” No topping for me. Thanks, but no thanks.
When I started my journey through the Columbus kink scene I actually found that I enjoyed branching out to explore some of my topping energy a bit more. It was fun. It turns out I love making pretty girls scream, cum, and cry. Who knew? Well, from there I began to service top more. Girls, guys, it didn’t matter. If you asked me to top you I was likely to say “Okie dokie.”
During this time I also started to gain more responsibilities in the community. Help with this event here, be on staff there. I loved it and still do, but from there I began to edit myself more. “I have to set a good example and all”, blah, blah, blah. All the bullshit that people in their early 20s tell themselves when they’re uncertain about how to act. I stuffed myself into a little “socially acceptable” box. I constantly bottomed, was rarely submissive, frequently a helper to sadists, simply a “Tiffy”.
I separated my Tiffy persona from Tiffany the person. The only problem? I shoved my submission in with Tiffany and let Tiffy handle the rest of the community. Now don’t get me wrong, very few people actually know Tiffany and I like it that way. However, as a result, I put myself in this crazy balancing act where I pulled one of my needs from the public view while trying to fill it by doing things that really only pale in comparison.
So, in response to my friend’s question, I’ve swung back around full circle. I discovered that I am an emotional and physical sadomasochist, which has opened up an entire world of possibilities for connection and play. On the other side, I’ve begun to consciously pursue some of my needs instead of putting them on the shelf. Going through this process has also afforded me the ability to really reflect on what I want and need in terms of connection and play. There was a time when I was in a quasi O/p-D/s relationship and it was quite literally one of the happiest times of my life. So, I’m getting back to those roots.
No, I don’t want a relationship right now (heavens know I don’t have the time or patience for that right now), but I’m not going to bottom just for the sake of bottoming. I’m also not going to top just for the sake of topping. I always tell people to follow their bliss. It’s funny just how easy it is to lose sight of that yourself.
So fuck it. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be my loud, awkward, uncouth self. I’m going to be more vulnerable and open. Consequences be damned.
Now, back to my regularly scheduled marketing homework.