Back to Ground Zero?

Well, for those of you who don’t know, my Master and I split for mutual reasons. The aftermath of any break up good, bad, D/s or vanilla is still awkward and difficult. It’s hard to not want to run and seek comfort in the next person that’s willing to fill the position, but at the same time it’s a good opportunity to grow and learn. It’s easy to think of a break up as starting at ground zero, but I like to think of it as starting in a different building. Some relationships are meant to last forever and some are only meant to last a few weeks, months or years. Either way it’s important to learn from the mistakes but not to carry over the grudges and insecurities to the new relationship.

So I’m single again.

And ya know what?

’s not so bad

The Hand that Holds the Leash

“A good woman, any good woman, will challenge a man. She will test her boundaries, push and nudge. Sometimes she is obvious, sometimes she is subtle. But she is ALWAYS tugging at her leash. She needs to feel the resistance, to know that the leash is held, because it makes her feel safe. If you let the leash go slack, she will slip away. If you yank it too hard, she will choke and die. It is a simple, constant tension, that defines a man as a Master. It is not empty vapid threats and stomping off like a child. It is the passing of a look of disapproval, a subtle graceful thing that a Master does as an act of love. When she yanks hard, he does not yank back as hard as he can. If anything he shows her in his calm grasp that he is merciful and could do worse. If he punishes her, it is not out of revenge, but out of love. A desire not to see her suffering, but to see her learning. To comfort her with his strength, with her boundaries. That she will feel safe and become the caregiver she is bred to be.”

Submissive Training

Just a few notes on submissive training. In some recent discussions I’ve had with subs, I have noticed a recurring theme with most Dominants–the need for said submissives to be “trained.” Now, don’t get ahead of yourself thinking that I am about to write a post on how bad Dominants are for saying this. In fact, I think training can be extremely beneficial and I recommend it highly for people who aren’t quite new and about to make that transition into active participation… so long as they receive actual training.

This means that it is more than just playing. Actually, at first, there should be more discussion than anything. Submission is always mental before physical. Training should, in turn, follow the same path. Of course, physical play can be used and it should be used to help with illustrating certain points or with teaching. But, it should never be the primary focus (unless of course you are training to increase a physical tolerance of some kind, i.e. pain). As with most things in this lifestyle, many people who do not know what they are doing dive right in and start making demands or start getting in relationships they are completely unprepared for. This is one of the reasons that training is emphasized, to minimize the amount of people that are hurt because of foolishness caused by excitement or stubbornness.

Now, ideally, before deciding to train with someone there will be much dialogue beforehand wherein all of this information was revealed. However, if that is not the case, here are some simple guidelines I like to go by when helping other subs choose a trainer:

1) Basic Play Training

2) Community Involvement

3) References

* Dom/me Training

1) Basic Play Training

One thing I feel must be a part of everything training is lessons about basic play/equipment used in play.

For example: Do you know the proper way to go about doing rope bondage? How to check for proper blood circulation? When to stop to avoid damage? 

This kind of knowledge is imperative and often times can save submissives from injury, especially when they play with Dom/mes that may not know exactly what they are doing. Now, of course, your trainer won’t know everything (if he does, give him my number!) but the dissemination of this knowledge and the desire to see the sub grow is the most important thing. 

2) Community Involvement

Involvement in the local D/s / BDSM community can be a good indicator of how seriously the Dominant takes his or her lifestyle. Of course, due to distance or time not everyone may be able to actively participate RT (real time). I should know, I go to school in the middle of no where, ha ha. However, there are plenty of online communities to join. Now, I won’t say that it is a red flag for the person not to have involvement (RT or online), each case is different. But it is something worth investigating, especially if said person gives a number two response (see above).

3) References

When you apply for a job, your prospective employer will ask for references. BDSM works the same way. Ask for references. Now, you will be met (most likely) with one of three responses. 1) Freely given references. 2) References given but with a “story” attached to them, normally detailing why so and so may not give such a good reference. 3) Blatant refusal to give out any information. Well, number one is what you’re aiming for. Number two and number three are less favorable. However, number two may not be as much of a red flag as number three is, but you have to take it on a case by case basis. Anyone who out right refuses to give you references might as well have a big ‘DANGER’ sign on his or her head. Either that person has bad references or no references (which usually means inexperience with practice. News flash people, book knowledge does not equal street smarts, I don’t care how many forums you’ve read or discussions you’ve been too. If you don’t have experience, you shouldn’t be trying to train someone). Insecure Dom/mes may be offended if you ask for references. Some may even try to convince you that ‘real submissives’ don’t dare to question or ask such silly things. Those are the types of people that you leave to their thoughts.

* Dom/me Training

This is just something I personally look for. It makes me a bit more at ease when I learn that the Dom/me has undergone some type of Dominant Training, either as a sub or an apprentice. The willingness to recognize the need for more knowledge is never a bad trait in my book.

Now, everyone’s training will be different, because we all seem to be different people somehow. No one will magically turn into the perfect sub. You do not need to be in a D/s relationship with your trainer. In fact many Dominants have their less experienced subs trained by other people in addition. Even for people with more years under their belt, training never hurts, and it can only help strengthen the foundation. Technically your training will never end, because there is always something new to discover and explore.

“When I am through learning, I am through.”

-John Wooden

Switch Me On

So, as some of you know, I’ve been more actively switching lately. It started out primarily as a way to please my Master, though I would do it a little on my own as well (not nearly as much as I do now). The thing about switching is that, well, I like it per se, but I don’t necessarily love it, as in, I wouldn’t want to do it long term. Which, I suppose is what makes my relationship with my Master so damned wonderful. Technically he is a switch, but leans heavily towards the Dominant side. I suppose I would classify myself as a switch as well, but I lean heavily towards the submissive side. So on those rare occasions when either of us does switches (or rather, when he switches. If I switch and get a little Dominant and he’s not in the mood for that I wind up with a sore ass) it’s not so difficult.

However, as I go down this path I have to wonder, where, if anywhere, it will lead. I’m not entirely sure how or if I like the idea of this dynamic forever, but then again, I’m still getting used to it.

Warui Gakusei ni Natte Shimau

That’s right. Waseda University has turned me into a bad student. Why you ask? Isn’t Japan supposed to be known for it’s rigorous academics (blah blah blah) !? Well, let me enlighten you to the Japanese educational system. School is hard…ish.. up until college! Then it’s basically bullshit and a break.

For example: The only way for me to fail my Japanese class is to miss 20 days. That’s right. 20 days of class. Then I fail. I could get 50% or 60% on all my quizzes and tests. Turn in 1/3 of my homework. And barely participate. And the lowest grade I would get is a A-.

My classes are so easy. I barely study. I barely try and I get straight As. I feel as if, when I return to the United States, I will be completely unprepared for my senior year of college. This could potentially be a problem. No?

It’s a good thing most of the classes I have left are freshman and sophomore level. Otherwise, I might be screwed. And not in the make your thighs wet and stick way.

Submission versus Slavery

Okay, before I get started, I would like to once again state that everything I write is my own opinion. I’m not trying to give concrete definitions, but merely my own way of looking at things and how I define them. That being said, read and enjoy ^^

———

Submissive……Slave

Two words that are often used interchangeably and thought to be synonymous. Because of the frequency of which I see this, I’ve decided to explain how I differentiate between the two. Now some of you may find this a little extreme, but as far as basic definitions go, it’s true.

I’ll start off first by saying that (in the realm of D/s or BDSM) all slaves are submissives, but not all submissives are slave. What does this mean? Well, first I should elaborate on some elements/characterstics/what have you of submissives as well as some myths.

Submissives

Traits…………………………………………Myths

+Limits -Subs are not owned otherwise they are just slaves

+Basic Control over Situations -Subs are not as “extreme” as slaves

And now for the slaves

Slaves

Traits…………………………………………..Myths

+No Control -Unable to do anything else

+No limits -Insecure

This may be a bit confusing at first glance so I’ll explain.

Submissives enjoy many “freedoms” that slaves do not. For one, subs still remain in basic control of their bodies, how their scenes play out, and lives. A safeword is not an allowance, it is a right and one that can be very necessary. Slaves, on the other hand, forfeit all rights of life to their owners. To me, slavery is giving everything to your owner, mind, body, soul, completely, including your rights. Simple things like dressing, talking, bathing, etc… all become privileges bestowed onto the slave by his or her owner and can be revoked at any moment. A slave may have had limits as a sub, but in giving up all rights to his or her owner, the safewords, limits, and control went with it. Now any good owner will not abuse this power over their slave, and most likely many owners would allow their slave to keep a safe word, but if slavery progresses as it should (form a D/s relationship to an M/s relationship) the use of a safe word should (ideally) not be necessary as the Dominant/Master would be able to read his or her slaves body language. However, safe words can be very important. But I want to stress the follow:

The decision to transition into slavery should never be taken lightly by either party in the relationship.

Now to elaborate on some of the myths.

Myth 1) “Subs are not owned, otherwise they would be slaves”

-This is blatantly incorrect. Subs can have owners, but this type of ownership differs from that of slavery. In a Dominant/submissive ownership situation it is a declaration of that particular owner having primary authoritative rights over that particular submissive. It does not mean that the submissive has essentially given up all his or her rights to the owner, but rather that he or she has declared one person (or people) to be above all others when it comes to decisions made regarding the sub.

Myth 2) “Subs are not as “extreme” as slaves”

-Some people tend to think that submissives who choose not to be slaves are in some way less willing to “go the extra mile.” Every time I think of this I laugh. Slavery is not for everyone and it is not something that everyone can or is willing to do. This does not make the person a better or worse sub, or more extreme or less extreme than someone else that may choose to enter into a Master/slave relationship. There are many subs willing to “do more” than most slaves, so the two should never be equated.

Myth 3) “Slaves are only slaves because they are unable to do anything else”

- I see this argument a lot in reference to live-in slaves (i.e. supported entirely by their owner). Well for one, how is that any different than being a housewife? Yet I don’t see anyone dissing housewives as being completely incompetent (as a matter of fact, housewives work their asses off!). However, unfortunately, this myth does stem from a reality. Some women, with no other means of supporting themselves, move in as slaves with people they really don’t know too well or have a pre-established relationship with. (I like to think of this as the mail-order bride version of slavery and I’m very much against it because it rarely works).

Myth 4) “Slave are insecure”

-This stems from people believing that submissives become slaves because they can’t say “no” due to some emotional deficiency that drives them to need to be in a relationship or be used or be physically hurt, etc… Yes, we all know many women and men come into this lifestyle as a result of insecurities, but there are just as many that don’t. Slavery is a conscious decision. If you don’t think it is, then you may need to re-evaluate your reasons for being in this lifestyle. Slaves are not mindless drones that just do whatever they’re told. They have personalities just like any other sub. They are intelligent and fun. The only difference is how they have chosen to express their submission.

I like to look at slavery as the natural progression of a stable D/s relationship after trust has been established coupled with a deep understanding of your partner. This can only be achieved through communication.

In ending I’d like to offer a few times for making the transition into slavery.

1) Make a contract.

-This will help with creating a stable framework for your relationship will change after the transition. Within the contract you can and should include hard limits and anything else you feel needs to be established before rights are ceded to the owner

2) Be patient.

-No one comes into this lifestyle as a slave. Some may find it easier to make the transition and some may not like it at all. Take your time to decide what is best for you. D/s is all about individuality and finding what works, there is no set standard and choosing one path or another will not make you any less or more into this lifestyle

3) Be safe!

-No one can predict the future. If you finally enter into a Master/slave relationship and it turns to blatant and obvious abuse. Then leave! Do not remain because you feel like you will be a bad slave or break your contract. (This may sound like common sense, but love and lust and the lick of a whip can warp our mind sets)

Always remember, no matter what you do SSC. Safe, Sane, Consensual.

ADDED 5/23/09:

I decided to add this bit on to help clarify further. Titles have nothing to do with what I am talking about. If you want to call your sub a slave or your owner ‘Master’ then by all means do so. What I am referring to is what the the relationship actually is as opposed to the titles and names used within it.

Submissive Female not Female Submissive

If you were really a submissive…

A phrase that I’ve run across many a time from both dominants and submissives alike. Why? Well, more often than not it’s because I don’t adhere to certain “protocols” or “codes of conduct” that are expected of my as a submissive woman. I find this exceedingly true on the internet, so this entry will be focused mainly on Second Life.

First and foremost. I am a submissive female not a female submissive. Now I am talking principles here and this is only meant to be a simple way to get my view across (so please don’t get into a grammar argument with me, as that is not the point). For those with a decent grasp of the English language, the difference is easy to spot. For those of you who are still confused, let me put lay it out:

Submissive Female

Submissive – Adjective

Female – Noun

Female Submissive

Female – Adjective

Submissive – Noun

Now, I don’t know about you, but the last time I checked, my birth certificate says “Sex : Female” not “Sex: Submissive.” It’s with this mindset that I operate. Yes, I am a submissive, but first and foremost I am a woman. I have self-respect, I am secure in my female-ness, I am maternal, I am cheeky, I am witty, I listen to my intuitions, and I am not insecure about my choices in lifestyles. If you approach me already having in your mindset that I am in some way going to bow down to your awesome-ness because you say you are dominant, well… be prepared to leave angry or with your tail/dick between your legs.

So now I bring to you, a small writing I created. I’ve entitled it simply, “A letter to the Internet”. Enjoy:

Hello to Y/you. I am a stereotypical internet or Second Life submissive. I will call You Sir or Miss automatically to show my “respect” for You and Your superiority. I will also capital all pronoun references to You to further differentiate my status from Yours. I will try to be as sweet as possible and will be the perfect sub to E/everyone.

Thank Y/you very much for Y/your attention

tiffany

Well, where to start off…

Before I go any further let me state that I am in no way mocking those who speak and act this way if (and there’s always an ‘if’) the behavior is a result of an owner’s request or if the submissive truly wants to do it of their own volition (which means, no previous insinuations about stigmas involved with not doing it).

This is addressed to people who believe this is necessary or were taught this is how subs are “supposed” to act. Because text is visual, trends in this type of speech have been grown rapidly, but I would like to ’set the record straight’ so to speak.

First…

The Use of A/a Lettering

Deviating from proper grammar and punctuation does not, I repeat does not, make you any more or less disrespectful. People on the internet tend to forget that they are, well, talking to other people. So what if I ask my Master, “How are you today?” as opposed to “How are You today?” For one, it would drive him banana-sandwich, but more importantly, neither way is more or less respectful. Now, of course, half the readers of this will see a huge difference. The other half won’t care. The fact remains that the question and it’s intent are still the same. It is still delivered with the same exact amount of respect and love. It has absolutely nothing to do with how much respect, admiration, or adoration I have for my Master, nor does it have anything to do with how submissive I am.

Which leads me to my next point…

The instant/automatic use of titles (i.e. “sir”, “miss”, “master”, etc…)

So you’re a dominant you say? And because of that I should readily show you some higher level of worship by using a title?

Ha!

Any random person on the street can claim as much. Does that make it true?

I show every person I meet dominant, submissive, switch, or otherwise, the same level of respect that I would show to anyone I meet in RL. Our parents gave us names for a reason. Titles such as Sir and Miss were intended to be used to heighten the level of politeness a sub would give to someone he or she had respect for, in example: “Yes, sir.” or  ”No, miss.” It was not made to be a name prefix like Sir Geoffrey or Sir Remco. Sorry Sir XXX, you’re not a knight. It only says your name on your ID… unless of course you actually are a knight, in which case, more power to ya.

Now some would say  ”Dominants should not need to earn a submissive respect!” And I have have even written similar things to that affect, but let me clarify: Some vast amount of worthiness is not necessary for simple conversations. If someone approaches you politely, don’t put him/her through hoops just to earn the “pleasure of your reply.” At the same time, if when we first meet, my non-use of the word”Sir” or “Miss” makes you uncomfortable then fine, ask me to do it and I will. However, note that you will instantly lose about 1/2 of my respect for you. Why? The answer is simple: If something so small as three or four letters bothers you so much it’s clear that you put more emphasis on roles than relationships.

And relationships is what D/s is all about.

Submissives:

If you are harrassed/bothered because you do or do not use this type of speech, remember: A) Unless you have specific instructions from an owner or an authority figure (real authority i.e. SIM in SL, not just perceived… although I personally wouldn’t recommend hanging around places that force you to talk like this OOCly if you’re not on staff) this type of talk is never mandatory. It does not make you a better or worse submissive and it is not more or less respectful. B) You are a man/woman first, your submissiveness is a part (no matter how big or small) of who you are, it’s is not who you are.

Hit Me Baby One More Time…. Or Two

So lately, I’ve been more and more interested in exploring my masochistic side. I’ve always been a bit of a pain slut, but I feel like it might be time to up the ante. For that reason I’ve been experimenting more with my play partners. For example, needles used to be a soft limit for me, just because the thought would freak me out. But I tried it… and ya know what… it wasn’t that bad… at all actually. This made me think, what other limits should I reevaluate. After all, I’ve been stuck in my comfort zone a bit too long, and they say change is good. I keep thinking of it this way, “I’m not really upping the pain level, I’m upping the… I don’t know… method? “

My Submission

I am a submissive by nature.

For me, my submission isn’t about being controlled, restrained, killing my will or losing my indepedence. It’s much deeper than that. I am a submissive because at my very core I have the unabashed, unconditional, unyielding desire to serve. And with that, to serve someone who will in turn exploit every part of my nature. All this done, of course, in order to help me grow as a submissive, as a person, and as a woman. He offers, I accept. I give, he takes. D/s is a circle to which I am one part and my Master the other. He needs and draws off my submission as much as I do his Dominance. I never view people by what they can or can’t do but rather by how they are. A truly domninant man can make me shiver with just one look, even if I have no desire to submit to him or even play with him. And a truly submissive woman will draw out my feelings of pride and appreciation. I’m not here to be at the beck and call of every single person who thinks they are dominant, because I’m not a doormat. I -will- have my own opinions, I -will- be intelligent, I -will- be playful and cheeky and funny and independent in the workplace.  But at the end of the day… when all is said and done… if I’m on my knees, infront of my Master, doing nothing more than what he asks then I am never more beautiful…

…never more loved

…never more cherished

…never more of a slut

…never more of a woman

…than I am, in that moment.

 

I truly am home. 

And I’m walking…and I’m walking….dammit, aren’t I here yet?

Soooooo…… where I am staying is currently in the middle of nowhere on the outskirts of Tokyo. I don’t really mind a commute though (after all my host family will be about an hour commute from my school if not more). I’ve decided that you just have to love Japan. It’s like going to the gym but without the membership fees or the smell… If you’re not on the metro or the subway, your on your bike or walking. Like two days ago when we went to Waseda for the umpteenth thousand time. The way there was pretty bearable, we took the train from Higashi-Yamatoshi to Takadanobaba station and transfered to the Tozai line in the subway which carried us about 5 minutes outside the school. It was raining and humid and disgusting, but hey, its September in Japan, what can I expect? I managed to find the right room and finally took my placement test (which was surprisingly not as bad as I had thought) then I walked around campus a bit which consisted primarily of a lot of hills, stairs, and few more hills with some more stairs sprinkled in between. After walking around for two hours in the rain and ridiculous humidity, the group I was with decided to walk back to Takadanobaba which, (for those of you who don’t know Tokyo that well) is about 30 minutes walk from Waseda (which just made me uber happy as you can imagine). But the walking doesn’t bother me that much at all, its the weather that’s killing me. One of these days I might jump in front of a train and say “Okay Japan, you win. With your gross weather and expensive transit system!”. On the up side, it’s great to get out and see Tokyo and just feel the city. Jazz and I are even planning on going to a Host Bar (creepy old ladies we are). For those of you who don’t know what a host bar is…go look it up… or just go here: Host Ranking Site!. I mean, don’t go there you pervy girls (or guys if you swing that way ^.~).

BTW: Yesterday we went to Asakusa shrine (but that’s a story for another day!)

Love you all and miss you lots!